How Not To Conduct A Lawsuit Part 3 (Part 1)

Or... Lenny Starts Another Fight And Loses... (Again).

Or... Lenny Sues The Whole Internet For Being The Internet... And Fails. 

Part 1...

So Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Leonard Coldwell M.D M.D M.D M.D NMD DNM D.HUM LCHC CNHP DIP.PHC PhD PhD PhD PhD, Dhum(h.c)... Or to give him his full medical title... Leonard Coldwell (Formerly Bernd Klein a/k/a Bernd Witchner) The world's most qualified person, world renowned alleged cancer expert, Nobel Prize laureate and greatest human being who has ever lived got a bit pissy and decided, on 14^th Jan 2015, to launch another ill-fated lawsuit against some of his detractors or as he likes to think of them... His ENEMIES!!!!11!!.

There is a copy of the actual complaint Here... Clickity-click

Now given that he claimed that 'big farmer' and various other dark forces had spent “42 million dollars just last year to destroy my reputation” you might have thought it logical to go after them but there are a few minor problems to that idea. First and foremost the pharmaceutical industry don't give a flying f**k about a totally unqualified and delusional quack that no f**ker has ever heard of so it's just another one of Lenny's little fantasies. Secondly the pharmaceutical industry have real lawyers not the “Thirty minutes for twenty bucks” briefs Leonard can barely afford... His oft-mentioned, so called and universally feared derided "Legal team".

“So who did he sue?” I hear you ask...

Glad you asked... Although if you'd read the complaint you'd know but hey... We can all be lazy... Anyhoo...

He sued... Or at least made a token effort of suing...

Connie Schmidt...........       cosmic connie's whirled musings on blogspot

Trent Toulouse..............      See below

rationalwiki.com...........       RationalWiki article on Leonard Coldwell

saltydroid.com.............       It's saltydroid.info actually

Jason Michael Jones...        See above
whois.com.....................     Here be website

Now I'll give you the punchline here at the beginning and reveal that his lawyer voluntarily dismissed all claims against all defendants on 18^th May 2015.

I'll also add that I am not speaking on behalf of any of the defendants who are all grown-ups more than capable of defending themselves against the sort of pitiful excuse for a legal action Lenny is capable of launching...

That said... I cannot help but wonder if the person who actually penned and filed the complaint was awake when they wrote it. My whippet puppy could make a more competent job and he's only 9 months old and only thinks about chasing cats and chewing my boots to pieces... Come to think of it my greyhound could have made a better fist of it and he can't walk and bark at the same time.

The good Not-A-Doctor retained the services of a certain William F May of Culbertson & Associates (Attorneys at Law) based in Greensboro, North Carolina.  who make the following claims on their website... (My emphasis added)

“Internet Defamation Law 

This law firm emphasizes this area of practice in recent years.  We have represented Doctors, soldiers, businessmen, former entertainers and ordinary people who are the victims of untrue, malicious and defamatory posts and pictures on the internet.  These materials have a serious adverse effect on a person’s ability to make a living, and upon a person’s quality of life.  If untrue, the material may be ordered removed by a judge.  Indeed, most search engines and web host providers require court orders before they will “play referee” with internet material, and they say so in their terms and conditions online.  The law of defamation pre-dates the internet

Culbertson and Associates prides itself on being able to effectively apply that law to the current technology.  Indeed, Krispen prides himself on being a “technology geek,” and on his thorough understanding of the process of removal, which begins with the website and ends, if possible, with the perpetrator of the fraudulent, untrue or malicious materials.  Please call for a more thorough explanation, or for case examples that have appeared in the media of Culbertson & Associate’s work in this area.”

Now... I am not a lawyer, certainly not a 'Merican lawyer but if this is the best 'internet defamation' suit Krispen and William can come up with between them, then, should I ever be in the market for a legally qualified 'technology geek' in North Carolina, and that ain't that f**king likely to be honest, I'd go somewhere else.

Perhaps I am being a tad unfair On Krispy Kreme McCulbertson and Billy Effin'-May Sue-Ya... Maybe they just accepted Never-Has-Been-And-Never-Will-Be-A-Doctor Coldwell's whining complaint at face value but I would have expected a firm which "emphasises" their familiarity with the electronic-interwebs to have spotted at least some of the school-boy errors they saw fit to put before the court. Maybe they did and that's why they withdrew the claim in which case kudos for doing the right thing... Eventually...  After you've placed your ineptitude on the public record... Way to go lads!

SO.... 

Where did everybody's Phavourite Phat Phake Physician and his "legal team" (stop laughing you up the back) go wrong? Well... Where to start really...

Obviously nobody at Coldwell Mansions or  Culberson And Associates' Ghostbuster's HQ palatial down-town executive suite has the feintest idea what a WHOIS is. They clearly seem to be under the impression that whois.com is a hosting service for saltydroid.com and to blame for the terrible insults levelled at the good not-doctor...

No... 

Adding whois.com to the suit was the equivalent of suing The Oxford English Dictionary because somebody called you... Lets pick something entirely at random to prove the point... A "deceitful charlatan and quack, a habitual liar and delusional, paranoid, psychotic fraud". 

Now... Let's just say English is not your first language... Maybe it's another language like... Ooooh.... Lets say... Hmmm... German for example... And you say to your assistant... "Gott in himmel Sarah!!..." (cos that's our fictional example's fictional assistant's name) "...Zum person haz zum nasty things mich vercallen. Ich vill look zee vords up in zee Oxford Englandische Wordenbooken unt zee vot zey are gesprechen about mich!".

So off you toddle in search of your O.E.D (which you've never used before) and you look up all the words and they ain't none too complementary. Fired up with Teutonic fury and indignation you invade Poland phone your "legal team" (any more sniggering up the back and there'll be trouble!) and say... "Ich has bin libelled by zum dirty donkeygerrphucker schwienhund and ich vant to sue zee very hemd from off zer back.Unt vile du bist at it, Ich vant to sue zee Oxford Englandische Wordenbooken for telling mich vot zee vords mean."

It really is that level of stupidity.

For those who haven't bothered to read the wikipedia link above a 'WHOIS' is simply a form of network search which tells you, unsurprisingly, who somebody on a network actually is... Hence the name... There are countless 'WHOIS' search engines available on the internet including the aforementioned whois.com as well as whois.net, who.is, whois.biz, whois.icann.org, whois.eu and... Well.. Google it yourself... there are literally hundreds of the f**kers... And every single one will give you the same information on saltydroid.com... Which you can view here if you really must (but it's quite boring)...

It is true that a WHOIS search on whois.com for saltydroid.com gives registration details in Shen Zhen Shi, Guang Dong Province, China... But there's a problem... A f**king great 450 horsepower, supercharged-with-integral-intercooler, V8, four-wheel drive, nitrous oxide injection, independent suspension all round scale of f**king problem which makes the claim that whois.com are complicit in hosting salty droid's website and disguising his location not only wronger-than-wrong but entirely moot...

They got the wrong f**king website! 

Yes folks... NotDoctor Coldwell and his "technology geek legal team" (right!.. you up the back... OUT!) don't understand that saltydroid.com and saltydroid.info are totally f**king different websites owned by totally different f**king people.

I'll have more to say on the subject of domain confusion in Part 2 of How Not To Conduct A Lawsuit Part 3 

Stay tuned