Towards the end of last week I mentioned the fact that Lenny had gone off on a monumental rant about his critics... by which I'm assuming he was including me... and how he "spat in our faces"...
I was going to do a point by point rebuttal but on further reflection I've decided that parody is more fun...
And so...
Bloke
Down The Pub Medical System®
Welcome
CHAMPIONS®
Having
seen the undoubted success of Lenny The Liar's 'Instinct Based
Medicine System” and taken notice of the fact he managed to attract
upwards of twenty suckers to his German 'events' I have come to
realise that there are still people in this world gullible enough to
believe a 'medicine system' based not on science or evidence but on
complete bullshit... And part with good money to the scamming, lying,
utterly fraudulent inventor of the system no matter how utterly
inane, illogical or flying in the face of 300 years of medical
progress it is. That said I can't help but notice that given the one
hundred new members joining every day that Lenny was claiming some
months ago the turnout wasn't that great... But anyway... Some
suckers is better than no suckers I suppose.
I'm therefore
very happy to announce the launch of my revolutionary new Bloke
Down The Pub Medical System® and the Bloke Down
The Pub Medical System® Master's Society®.
Not-A-Doctor
Leonard Coldwell has led the way with his “medical system” based
on “instinct” whereby the very notion that important or even
life-or-death decisions should be made with the assistance of science
and qualified experts is thrown down the toilet and replaced by
'instinct' or “I dunno... What do you reckon?”.
In that
spirit I have devised the ONLY fully holistic medical system which is
based entirely on asking the opinion of some random bloke down the
pub.
Important breakthroughs are being made on a daily basis.
Only yesterday a bloke in a pub told me that he'd heard you can get
cancer from looking at pictures of Johnny Depp while another bloke in
another pub held that HIV was not a sexually transmitted disease but
was in fact caused by chewing bus tickets. Obviously they must be
right because reasons. Who do YOU want to believe? The CORRUPT
MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT and BIG FARMER or some pissed bloke I bumped
into down the pub®?
As
a further service of the BDTPMS® I will also be
launching the Bloke Down The Pub Medical System Master's
Society® which will be a private, members only, secret
society “for winners by winners”® where you can learn the
“secrets”® of untold “wealth”®. Quite what
this has to do with medicine is not readily apparent but I'll think
of something sooner or later... It'll probably be something to do
with stress... Trust me... I'm a doctor*.
Included
in your membership of the BDTPMSMS® of only €1000pa
in advance plus €500 joining fee** you will get access to an online
library which I have inexplicably decided is worth €1,200,000 even
though it's the same shit you can get elsewhere for nothing and the
right to attend twice yearly seminars in a 1 star hotel in
Cleethorpes (a fee of €600 will be chargeable plus booking fee,
accommodation fees, car parking charges, flights, transfers, airport
taxes, buffet meal charge, over-priced and watered down hotel drinks
and a range of very reasonably priced prostitutes). I will also send
you THREE of the best selling CDs I can find in the Oxfam shop and a
DVD copy of the remake of “The Producers”, which was
disappointing quite frankly, but to which I've unilaterally ascribed
a value of €50,000.***
BUT WAIT!!!
THERE'S
MORE!!!
Members of the BDTPMSMS® will also
get the exclusive right to purchase (for €950.00 + P&P) my new,
upcoming, soon to be published, when I've written it, bound to be a
mega bestseller, book “The Only Answer To Not Being Fleeced
By Charlatans” (by email and in .pdf format). All proceeds
will got to my Foundation For a Drug and Crime Free Antarctica
of which I am the founder, president, chairman. treasurer, sole
beneficiary and chief penguin.
Much
love and good natural health to all CHAMPIONS® (except Jews,
Muslims, Gays, black people, Mexicans, refugees,
non-aryan-immigrants, liberals, socialists, democrats etc. etc.)
Dr
Longdog Coleslaw. NMD DNM PhDx7 MDx5 D.HUM CNHP BMD
*
The Bloke Down The Pub Medical System® Master's Society®”
states categorically that it does not offer dangerously bad medical
advice even though it clearly does exactly that. Readers agree that
the medical opinions offered by Bloke Down The Pub Medical
System® Master's Society®” are not genuine medical
advice and are based entirely on opinion, wild speculation, the
non-existent clinical experience of Dr Longdog Coleslaw, the
ill-informed ramblings of a “bloke down the pub”®
and whatever turns a dishonest profit. They are, in short, complete
bullshit and the reader indemnifies Bloke Down The Pub Medical
System® Master's Society®” against all allegations
of “giving advice that could get them killed”® because they
believed some con-man on the internet rather than a real, qualified
doctor.
**
No refunds. All transactions are final. Payment by untraceable
Western Union transfer only. Do NOT seek the advice of a competent
adult before sending payment... Which bit of “SECRET society” are
you having trouble with?
*** Subject to availability. We
reserve the right to substitute a used DVD of similar or lower value
or nothing at all at our total discretion.
BIOGRAPHY OF DR
LONGDOG COLESLAW.
Dr Longdog Coleslaw.
NMD
DNM PhDx7 MDx5 D.HUM CNHP BMD
Not a Medical Doctor
Bored and
Certified Doctor of Not Medicine.
Burned and Crucified Alternative
Medical Phondeller.
Has appeared on local radio phone-ins
complaining about dog shit on the pavement.
Award watching
author.
Brave Maverick Doctor.
Has
never been convicted of rape.
Dr
Longdog Coleslaw – De-motivational speaker and help yourself
(shoplifting) education expert. The world's leading authority on
everything including trolley-bus maintenance, dinosaur breeding and
dodo pickling. Dr Coleslaw is a board certified and accredited NMD
(Not a Medical Doctor). His badly written mega-best-selling work is
available in three different languages... English, Gibberish and
Bullshit.
“Dr L” as he is known to his hundreds of fans
has been awarded no less than SEVEN PhDs but unfortunately he seems
to have mislaid the award certificates and forgotten which
universities awarded them, when, and what the subjects of his theses
were so you'll just have to take his word for it.
Dr Coleslaw
was also awarded an honorary Doctor of Humanities degree from the
unaccredited but very prestigious Hull Baptist College of Divinity
and Bricklaying.
Dr Longdog has achieved the unique feat of
being granted five 'doctor degrees' (whatever they are) but the
certificates went missing around the same time as the PhD
certificates so you'll just have to take his word for that too.
He
also has six average grade GCEs and a Heavy Goods Vehicle licence...
That much at least is true.
Dr
Coleslaw began his career as a healer at the age of sixteen months...
Or was it sixteen years?.. When he cured his mother of bubonic
plague, smallpox, scrofula, the two tone Chinese pox and vCJD 42
years before it was discovered. At the time her conventional doctors
had given her 42 minutes to live but she is alive and well 42 years
later. Doctor Coleslaw likes the number 42 a lot... He's probably
read H2G2 way too many times.
“Dr L”, as he is known to
his thousands of fans, has dedicated his life to natural but very
lucrative if completely ineffective 'cures' to stress related
illness which includes whatever the gullible
'patient' happens to have at the time... Or whatever he can
get away with telling them they have.
After
sixteen days Dr Longdog Coleslaw left general practice in Chatham
when the authorities broke down the door to his consulting rooms / cockroach infested bed-sit. This was obviously down to the fact that Big Farmer and
the medical establishment were threatened by his proven 92.3% cure
rate and nothing at all to do with the fact he had no real
qualifications and wasn't licensed to practice medicine... Oh no...
DEFINITELY a conspiracy!! The medical establishment spends
£42,000,000 per year to try to destroy his reputation with the truth
lies. He has been shot 42 times, had his car firebombed 42 times and
receives 42,000 death threats every day.
At
some indeterminate time in the past Dr Longdog Coleslaw sold his
entirely imaginary hospitals to his friend Dr Dave Downthepub of The
Strood Institute For Made-up Medical Statistics who will
'independently' verify his 92.3% success rate if he asks him to. He
then moved to The People's Republic of Hull where he converted his
fake qualifications into other fake qualifications whilst devoting
his life to his applied research into scamming, grifting and posting
crap to Facebook.
Some of Dr Coleslaw's inimitable
imaginary successes and achievements are 1.6 billion video views (up
from a paltry 1.3 million the last time he made this claim last year)
4.6 million seminar attendees, 420,000,000 readers, guest spots on
innumerable TV programs (Crimewatch, The News at Ten, Watchdog, I'm a
pretend doctor get me out of here). He is the pretend doctor that the
imaginary doctors that exist only in his head go to when they or
their families are ill.
Dr Coleslaw is definitely, definitely,
DEFINITELY a real doctor and definitely NOT a short, bald, fat, toxic
little turd with bogus qualifications who posts increasingly racist,
anti-Semitic and just generally bigoted shite to the internet.
Anybody who says he's a nasty little neo-Nazi charlatan will feel the
full wrath of his £42,000,000 £700,000 a year legal team... “I
will start the fight but I will never follow through because I don't
stand a ghost of a chance and I've been lying to my lawyers and
everybody else” has been his motto since birth.
Dr
Longdog Coleslaw is recommended by 'Dr' Betty Martini, 'Dr' Tullio
Simonichi, 'Dr' Stanislaw Brezinski and 'Dr' Rima Laibow, and her
husband General Lurch which should tell you all you need to know.
“Dr
L”, as he's known to his millions of fans,has received many letters
from his Member of Parliament, Diana Johnson MP, who said of him “I've
warned you before about contacting me. If you don't stop writing to
me immediately I will phone the police and get a restraining
order”.
“Dr L”, as he known to his billions of fans,
writes his biography in the third person because it makes it look
like somebody else thinks he's the dog's bollocks instead of him just
being a sad and lonely old oxygen thief who has to say nice things
about himself because nobody else will.
Doctor Coleslaw
retired from medical practice in January 2016 or retired from medical
practice at some indeterminate point in the past or has never
practised medicine at all in Hull depending on which bullshit story
he's telling at the time... Take ya pick.
Based
on in Germany still existing Hitler-laws (through the Hitler the
Jewish doctors of their titles and authorisation has deprived and it
is only in Germany) leads " Dr L ", as he lovingly of his
trillions of fans is called, his title and would not in Germany. He
wants only as a self-healing helpers to be seen! Just as a BDTPMS®
coach!... And of course he's not really a doctor anyway which is the
main reason why his fake credentials don't confer the title of
'Doctor' in Germany... Or indeed anywhere else.
On
18. January 2016, Dr. Coleslaw has decided, from his therapeutic
activity completely back to draw and has his fantasy medical license
in Hull not renewed.
Copyright
2016 all rights reserved! All the names and trademarks are legal
protection. Any unlawful use will be civil and criminal. BDTPMS®
Masters Society LLC, Hull.
