Monday, 17 August 2015

Lenny says... He's a mega-best-selling author...

Lenny has long been making the claim that he was a world renowned multi-million selling author which nobody with an ounce of common sense... or 28.35 grammes of common sense in new money... would ever believe if for no other reason than the fact no f**ker has ever heard of him. Now it seems Loony is claiming that just one of his many magnificent octopuses*... has sold 57 MILLION COPIES.

Yes... This great author has sold more copies of just one of his books**... The Only Answer To Cancer... than some of the classics of world literature... such as... sales in (brackets) from wikipedia

To KIll a Mockingbird - Harper Lee (40 Million)
1984 - George Orwell - (25 Million)
The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (25 Million)
Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain (20 Million)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (13 Million)
Catch 22 - Joseph Heller (10 Million)
Every single Discworld novel put together - Terry Pratchett (55 Million)

Credible?... Is it f**k as like... According to statistic I've just made up in a Lenny Coldwell styleee... Everybody in the world knows somebody who has read 1984... and everybody in the world has read Huck' Finn... but do you know anybody who has even seen, let alone read a Not-Docktor Clodwell book?.. No... I don't either and neither does any other f**ker. The tubby little outselling-Harry-Potter-fraud doesn't even have a f**king wikipedia page...

I'm also wondering how many other authors capable of selling 57 million f**king copies of a single book would choose what is little more than a print-to-order vanity press as their publisher... Here's a quote from 21st Century Publishing Group... link here if you're bovvered...

Royalty/Subsidy Press...Though we are a royalty/subsidy press, I prefer to call it a partnership. As a royalty/subsidy press, the author only pays the up-front costs for publishing the book. The price in the contract includes the editing, and pagination of the book and the design of the cover. The author has a say in every step of the process. Depending on how clean the manuscript is this process can last 30 days up to six months. Your only expense after the pre-press process is the books you purchase for your personal sales. We recommend 100 or more books to begin with. Our continuing partnership includes getting your book and the digital version of your book places on, the largest bookseller in the world and listed at Ingram (the largest distributor in the world) and Baker & Taylor.
Investment...Most authors are able to recoup their investment in the publishing process after the sale of 250 books.
Royalties...Our authors receive a 20% royalty on the books sold through the marketplace. We are giving a 40% royalty on the sale of digital books.
57 million copies... Pull the other one Lenny it's got little silver bells on it... Lose the 'million' and you'd probably be nearer the mark... Even your top listed book on Amazon UK... The same f**king book you claim had sold 57 f**king million copies has the grand total of TEN F**KING REVIEWS... and here's one of the reviews...

"Bought for my wife and even she found it over the top for selling information - imagine pyramid selling at its peak (no pun intended) and that is the style of this book's information."

Here's an idea for you Lenny... I know your fans are all as thick as pigshit but most of the rest of the world knows how to use the internet... If you are going to tell lies... And lets face it that's all you ever do... You might want to check on wikipedia first...

*Magnificent Octopus = Magnum Opus in Baldrickeese

**Actually.... As far as I can tell all of his books are actually the same book with a different title... 50% waffle, 25% self aggrandising bullshit, 25% sales pitch and 100% unreadable bollocks.

PS: All of the spelling, capitalisation and punctuation errors in the cartoon above are exactly as Tubby Clodwell posted them... I make it at least nine errors in three lines but with Loony's style of keyboard mashing it's difficult to be exact... Knot rearly whot yuo wood expeckt frum a grate riter....

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Lenny says.... Pork calling Orson...

 Never one to miss an opportunity to make cheap capital out of the death of a fellow human-being... Actually... Make that out of the death of a human being... The Augustus Gloop of Germany Carolina took to Facebook to level the claim that Robin Williams' tragic end was as a result of drinking too much fizzy-pop.

And what evidence did he offer in support of his ill-informed and idiotic pronouncement?


Yes folks... He did it again and the alleged doctor confused alleged British singer Robbie Williams with deceased American actor and comedian Robin Williams.

Well done again Loony for bringing us all the health news that matters just as soon as you have pulled it straight out of your flabby, lazy arse.