Tuesday, 6 September 2016

Lenny Lashes Out... Continued...

Towards the end of last week I mentioned the fact that Lenny had gone off on a monumental rant about his critics... by which I'm assuming he was including me... and how he "spat in our faces"...

I was going to do a point by point rebuttal but on further reflection I've decided that parody is more fun...

And so...

Bloke Down The Pub Medical System®


Having seen the undoubted success of Lenny The Liar's 'Instinct Based Medicine System” and taken notice of the fact he managed to attract upwards of twenty suckers to his German 'events' I have come to realise that there are still people in this world gullible enough to believe a 'medicine system' based not on science or evidence but on complete bullshit... And part with good money to the scamming, lying, utterly fraudulent inventor of the system no matter how utterly inane, illogical or flying in the face of 300 years of medical progress it is. That said I can't help but notice that given the one hundred new members joining every day that Lenny was claiming some months ago the turnout wasn't that great... But anyway... Some suckers is better than no suckers I suppose.

I'm therefore very happy to announce the launch of my revolutionary new Bloke Down The Pub Medical System® and the Bloke Down The Pub Medical System® Master's Society®.

Not-A-Doctor Leonard Coldwell has led the way with his “medical system” based on “instinct” whereby the very notion that important or even life-or-death decisions should be made with the assistance of science and qualified experts is thrown down the toilet and replaced by 'instinct' or “I dunno... What do you reckon?”.

In that spirit I have devised the ONLY fully holistic medical system which is based entirely on asking the opinion of some random bloke down the pub.

Important breakthroughs are being made on a daily basis. Only yesterday a bloke in a pub told me that he'd heard you can get cancer from looking at pictures of Johnny Depp while another bloke in another pub held that HIV was not a sexually transmitted disease but was in fact caused by chewing bus tickets. Obviously they must be right because reasons. Who do YOU want to believe? The CORRUPT MEDICAL ESTABLISHMENT and BIG FARMER or some pissed bloke I bumped into down the pub®?

As a further service of the BDTPMS® I will also be launching the Bloke Down The Pub Medical System Master's Society® which will be a private, members only, secret society “for winners by winners”® where you can learn the “secrets”® of untold “wealth”®. Quite what this has to do with medicine is not readily apparent but I'll think of something sooner or later... It'll probably be something to do with stress... Trust me... I'm a doctor*.
Included in your membership of the BDTPMSMS® of only €1000pa in advance plus €500 joining fee** you will get access to an online library which I have inexplicably decided is worth €1,200,000 even though it's the same shit you can get elsewhere for nothing and the right to attend twice yearly seminars in a 1 star hotel in Cleethorpes (a fee of €600 will be chargeable plus booking fee, accommodation fees, car parking charges, flights, transfers, airport taxes, buffet meal charge, over-priced and watered down hotel drinks and a range of very reasonably priced prostitutes). I will also send you THREE of the best selling CDs I can find in the Oxfam shop and a DVD copy of the remake of “The Producers”, which was disappointing quite frankly, but to which I've unilaterally ascribed a value of €50,000.***



Members of the BDTPMSMS® will also get the exclusive right to purchase (for €950.00 + P&P) my new, upcoming, soon to be published, when I've written it, bound to be a mega bestseller, book “The Only Answer To Not Being Fleeced By Charlatans” (by email and in .pdf format). All proceeds will got to my Foundation For a Drug and Crime Free Antarctica of which I am the founder, president, chairman. treasurer, sole beneficiary and chief penguin.

Much love and good natural health to all CHAMPIONS® (except Jews, Muslims, Gays, black people, Mexicans, refugees, non-aryan-immigrants, liberals, socialists, democrats etc. etc.)

Dr Longdog Coleslaw. NMD DNM PhDx7 MDx5 D.HUM CNHP BMD

* The Bloke Down The Pub Medical System® Master's Society®” states categorically that it does not offer dangerously bad medical advice even though it clearly does exactly that. Readers agree that the medical opinions offered by Bloke Down The Pub Medical System® Master's Society®” are not genuine medical advice and are based entirely on opinion, wild speculation, the non-existent clinical experience of Dr Longdog Coleslaw, the ill-informed ramblings of abloke down the pub”® and whatever turns a dishonest profit. They are, in short, complete bullshit and the reader indemnifies Bloke Down The Pub Medical System® Master's Society®” against all allegations of “giving advice that could get them killed”® because they believed some con-man on the internet rather than a real, qualified doctor.

** No refunds. All transactions are final. Payment by untraceable Western Union transfer only. Do NOT seek the advice of a competent adult before sending payment... Which bit of “SECRET society” are you having trouble with?

*** Subject to availability. We reserve the right to substitute a used DVD of similar or lower value or nothing at all at our total discretion.


Dr Longdog Coleslaw.
Not a Medical Doctor
Bored and Certified Doctor of Not Medicine.
Burned and Crucified Alternative Medical Phondeller.
Has appeared on local radio phone-ins complaining about dog shit on the pavement.
Award watching author.
Brave Maverick Doctor.
Has never been convicted of rape.

Dr Longdog Coleslaw – De-motivational speaker and help yourself (shoplifting) education expert. The world's leading authority on everything including trolley-bus maintenance, dinosaur breeding and dodo pickling. Dr Coleslaw is a board certified and accredited NMD (Not a Medical Doctor). His badly written mega-best-selling work is available in three different languages... English, Gibberish and Bullshit.

“Dr L” as he is known to his hundreds of fans has been awarded no less than SEVEN PhDs but unfortunately he seems to have mislaid the award certificates and forgotten which universities awarded them, when, and what the subjects of his theses were so you'll just have to take his word for it.

Dr Coleslaw was also awarded an honorary Doctor of Humanities degree from the unaccredited but very prestigious Hull Baptist College of Divinity and Bricklaying.

Dr Longdog has achieved the unique feat of being granted five 'doctor degrees' (whatever they are) but the certificates went missing around the same time as the PhD certificates so you'll just have to take his word for that too.

He also has six average grade GCEs and a Heavy Goods Vehicle licence... That much at least is true.

Dr Coleslaw began his career as a healer at the age of sixteen months... Or was it sixteen years?.. When he cured his mother of bubonic plague, smallpox, scrofula, the two tone Chinese pox and vCJD 42 years before it was discovered. At the time her conventional doctors had given her 42 minutes to live but she is alive and well 42 years later. Doctor Coleslaw likes the number 42 a lot... He's probably read H2G2 way too many times.

“Dr L”, as he is known to his thousands of fans, has dedicated his life to natural but very lucrative if completely ineffective 'cures' to stress related illness which includes whatever the gullible 'patient' happens to have at the time... Or whatever he can get away with telling them they have.

After sixteen days Dr Longdog Coleslaw left general practice in Chatham when the authorities broke down the door to his consulting rooms / cockroach infested bed-sit. This was obviously down to the fact that Big Farmer and the medical establishment were threatened by his proven 92.3% cure rate and nothing at all to do with the fact he had no real qualifications and wasn't licensed to practice medicine... Oh no... DEFINITELY a conspiracy!! The medical establishment spends £42,000,000 per year to try to destroy his reputation with the truth lies. He has been shot 42 times, had his car firebombed 42 times and receives 42,000 death threats every day.
At some indeterminate time in the past Dr Longdog Coleslaw sold his entirely imaginary hospitals to his friend Dr Dave Downthepub of The Strood Institute For Made-up Medical Statistics who will 'independently' verify his 92.3% success rate if he asks him to. He then moved to The People's Republic of Hull where he converted his fake qualifications into other fake qualifications whilst devoting his life to his applied research into scamming, grifting and posting crap to Facebook.

Some of Dr Coleslaw's inimitable imaginary successes and achievements are 1.6 billion video views (up from a paltry 1.3 million the last time he made this claim last year) 4.6 million seminar attendees, 420,000,000 readers, guest spots on innumerable TV programs (Crimewatch, The News at Ten, Watchdog, I'm a pretend doctor get me out of here). He is the pretend doctor that the imaginary doctors that exist only in his head go to when they or their families are ill.

Dr Coleslaw is definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY a real doctor and definitely NOT a short, bald, fat, toxic little turd with bogus qualifications who posts increasingly racist, anti-Semitic and just generally bigoted shite to the internet. Anybody who says he's a nasty little neo-Nazi charlatan will feel the full wrath of his £42,000,000 £700,000 a year legal team... “I will start the fight but I will never follow through because I don't stand a ghost of a chance and I've been lying to my lawyers and everybody else” has been his motto since birth.

Dr Longdog Coleslaw is recommended by 'Dr' Betty Martini, 'Dr' Tullio Simonichi, 'Dr' Stanislaw Brezinski and 'Dr' Rima Laibow, and her husband General Lurch which should tell you all you need to know.

Dr L”, as he's known to his millions of fans,has received many letters from his Member of Parliament, Diana Johnson MP, who said of him “I've warned you before about contacting me. If you don't stop writing to me immediately I will phone the police and get a restraining order”.

“Dr L”, as he known to his billions of fans, writes his biography in the third person because it makes it look like somebody else thinks he's the dog's bollocks instead of him just being a sad and lonely old oxygen thief who has to say nice things about himself because nobody else will.

Doctor Coleslaw retired from medical practice in January 2016 or retired from medical practice at some indeterminate point in the past or has never practised medicine at all in Hull depending on which bullshit story he's telling at the time... Take ya pick.

Based on in Germany still existing Hitler-laws (through the Hitler the Jewish doctors of their titles and authorisation has deprived and it is only in Germany) leads " Dr L ", as he lovingly of his trillions of fans is called, his title and would not in Germany. He wants only as a self-healing helpers to be seen! Just as a BDTPMS® coach!... And of course he's not really a doctor anyway which is the main reason why his fake credentials don't confer the title of 'Doctor' in Germany... Or indeed anywhere else.

On 18. January 2016, Dr. Coleslaw has decided, from his therapeutic activity completely back to draw and has his fantasy medical license in Hull not renewed.

Copyright 2016 all rights reserved! All the names and trademarks are legal protection. Any unlawful use will be civil and criminal. BDTPMS® Masters Society LLC, Hull.


  1. Brilliant, Dr. L, utterly brilliant. Sign me up! But only if there's going to be a ring. There has to be a ring. Like this one:

    1. Not only will there be a ring it will be at least 92.3% more fabulous than the IBMS ring and you... As honorary founder member of the BDTPMSMSⓇ... Will get a fabulous 3% discount on it's price of $4999.99 (+P&P). Offer ends 16th March 2008.

      Be the envy of all your friends!!!

  2. By the way, have you seen today's screed on his German FB page? Lenny is apparently getting some flak from some Germans. He (pretending to be "Catherine") is very mad at those jealous commies who don't like money.

  3. Yes... I did see that and I'll have a lot to say on the subject when I finish writing it tomorrow. Did you see the post that kicked the whole thing off? I mentioned it on Twitter and sure enough Lenny nuked the thread and all of it's comments a few minutes later.

    In essence what happened was that Lenny posted a ridulous and boastful thread about how his immense and imaginary wealth allowed him to buy three 'custom made' and quite spectacularly tacky Rolex watches which cost a total of €260,000. Even his fans thought this ostentatious display of (imaginary) wealth was beyond the pale and had a go at him. Luckily I have the whole thing... Including all the mockery... Saved.

    Stay tuned! :-)

    1. I must have missed the Rolex post that kicked it off but I'm glad you were able to capture the whole thing before he deleted the thread. Clearly he reads your tweets.

      You did a great job ridiculing his "Catherine" rant.