Whatever happened to "Life of a Healer!"? or... Lenny Goes To Hollywood...

I was looking back through some old screengrabs today and found something from 2014 I'd completely forgotten about...

...Yes it's the usual self aggrandising but appallingly badly written shite and flights of fantasy we've come to expect from Lenny including the totally ludicrous claim that he had received a...

"not [sic] from a medical doctor and professor for [sic] medicine stating that he used the information from my book The Only Answer to Cancer to cure himself from [sic] prostate cancer"

...Yeah Lenny... Course you did dear...


But any old road up... Something I hadn't actually noticed until now was this gem of a porkie which, even by the execrable standards of the Pompous Potsdam Putz, is quite spectacularly grandiose...

"...and there is a movie in the making about my life called Life of a Healer! It is a real Hollywood production and will be in Theaters[sic]"

...For fuck's sake... What is it with Lenny that makes him come out with such outrageous bullshit? It has to be pathological... It just has to be... Nobody who doesn't have some severely ingrained insecurity complex could come out with this shit let alone think people would believe it. Perhaps it has something to do with his height... Or his short if you're going to be more accurate. 

Needless to say two years later "Life of a healer!" has failed to take the box office by storm... Or even exist anywhere other than in the fevered imagination of a certain short, fat and utterly ridiculous fake doctor...

Screenplay For 
"Life Of A Healer Exclamation Mark" 
First Draft. 

Act One: Scene One.


Dramatis Personae.

A young Bernd Klein Leonard Coldwell........A young Chuck Norris

A younger Mutti Coldwell..............A younger Sigourney Weaver

Vater Coldwell (Nee Klein)..........................Donald Trump

Vater Coldwell's wig............Dougal from The Magic Roundabout

Adolf Hitler (The Lodger)................................Himself

God.................Samuel Motherfucking L Motherfucking Jackson

The New World Order.....................................The Jews

Big Pharma..............................................The Jews

A Kenyan Negro Doctor...............................Barack Obama

Satan......................................................A Jew

The Jews...................................................Satan

Man in a cheap suit..................Dr.Leonard Coldwell (Cameo)

The Cat.......................Custard out of Roobarb and Custard

The Dog.......................Roobarb out of Roobarb and Custard

The Wombles...........................Do not appear in this film

Dog turd on street.................................Kevin Trudeau

Scene: (Music (Deutscheland Uber Alles by Heinrich "Satchmo" Himmler and the SS Einsatzgruppen Choral Dance Troupe Ensemble) fades).

A boy (Leonard) plays in the snowy bombed out rubble of post war (1970) Berlin. His clothes are in rags, his feet are bare, his bones show clearly through his pale flesh as he hungrily hunts through the ruins for a scrap of food to take home to his mother who is dying of liver cancer, hepetitis C and cirrhosis (although he doesn't know this yet).

The terrible screams of pain from Momma Coldwell drift down from the bombed out flat above. Lenny looks up a the bombed out block of flats, his piggy little eyes wet with frozen tears...

Leonard (shouting): "I'm coming mutti... I'm coming... I have for us eine dead rat und eine mouldy cabbage leaf found for tea".

Camera pans with Leonard as he runs through the bombed out streets to the bombed out block of flats.

Dramatic cut to man coming out of bombed out door to bombed out flat - He carries a black bag a a stethoscope:

A Kenyan Negro Doctor: "Yo homie. Yo mus' be the son-a-dat Momma Coldwell bitch up there in da crib!"

Leonard: "Ya Kenyan Negro Doctor. She is mein mutti".

A Kenyan Negro Doctor: "Well yo listen up an yo listen up good boy... Yo momma has da cancer and da hepatitis C dat ain't even been discovered yet and dat bitch ain't got no more'n six months to live. Oh... And dat ho done got da cirrhosis too so she well fucked... Ya get me blood?"

Scene: Camera follows Leonard as he runs up the bombed out stairs to his bombed out flat on the 42nd floor.


Cut to interior shot of Leonard opening the bombed out door to the bombed out flat...

Leonard: "I'm home Mutti"

Momma Coldwell: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!"

The Cat: "Mieow!"

Momma Coldwell: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!"

The Dog: "Woof Woof!

Momma Coldwell: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!"

Adolf Hitler: "Heil Me!"

Momma Coldwell: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!"

A Jew: "את העט של הדודה שלי נמצא"

Everybody: "That's easy for you to say"

Momma Coldwell: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!"

The Wombles: "-----------------------------------"

Momma Coldwell: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!!!"

Leonard: "Vot is it momma? Vhy do you gerscreamen all ov zee time?"

Momma Coldwell: "Because I have das cancer und das chirrosis und das hepetitis C vich has not been discovered yet unt ich only haben sechs months to gerliven you stupid boy."
 
Leonard: "Oh... Is zat all? Ich can cure zat easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy mit meine copyrighted und trademarked magical healing powers."

DIRECTORS NOTE: At this point Leonard performs a trademarked and copyrighted healing procedure which we are unable to depict because we are in the pocket of BIG PHARMA who have paid us $42,000,000 to hide da troof.

42 seconds later...

Momma Coldwell: "Ach!!! Mein darlink Leonard.... Du bist eine miracle arbeiter..."

Leonard: "Ya... Ich bin... I vill dedicate meine life to healing zer sick und this I gerswearen before gott."

God: "MOTHERFUCKER!!"

Act 42: Scene 42.

Dramatis Personae.

An older Leonard Coldwell..................An older Chuck Norris

An older Mutti Coldwell................An older Sigourney Weaver

Adolf Hitler.............................................Himself

The Äirline pilöt..................................Herman Göring

Voice of the Tannoy...............................Hilary Clinton

Scene: The departure lounge of Berlin airport. Music (Leaving on a jet-plane by Peter, Paul and Mary) fades.

Momma Coldwell: (Tearfully)"Ach... Meine dear Bernd... Sorry... Leonard... You behave yourself ven you get to Amerika von't you".

Leonard: "Of course I vill mutti".

Momma Coldwell: "I vant you to do vell und study hard for your medical qualifications or at least buy some fake ones off zee internet".

Leonard: "Ja mutti... I vill".

Momma Coldwell: "Und I vant you to go on zee internet und tell people you have four PhDs".

Leonard: "Ja mutti... I vill".

Momma Coldwell: "Und four doctor degrees und don't vergessen to tell everybody about that dentist convention you vent to in 1994... I'm sure that's a medical qualification".

Leonard: "Ja mutti... I vill".

Momma Coldwell: "Und I vant you to buy lots of expensive Rolex vatches, und eine golden horsey statue und eine cheap blue suit that you vill wear for the next 20 years. Und I vant you to write lots of rambling books full of badly written scheiße vich 57,000,000 people vill buy".

Leonard: "Ja mutti".

Momma Coldwell: "Just make me proud of you meine klien Bernd... I mean Leonard... Don't turn in to a short, fat, lazy, scamming fraud that everybody laughs at or the sort of contemptible arsehole who would stoop using his own mother to sell his lies to the terminally gullible if he thought there was a quick Deutsche Mark in it".

Leonard: "Nein mutti... But now I must go".

TANNOY: "Would all passengers for Luftwaffe flight 42 please go to gate 42 where your Heinkel 111 is about to depart".

Leonard: "Auf wiedersehen mutti".

Momma Coldwell: "Auf wiedersehen Bernd".

Leonard: "Leonard!".

Momma Coldwell: "Ja, ja... I meant Leonard".

Adolf Hitler: "Don't vorget all I have taught you".

Leonard: "I von't uncle Adolf".

The Äirline pilöt: "Don't I have any lines?"

TANNOY: "No!".

FIN.

"Life of a healer" my spotty white arse... This would be more like it.